I think

I might just be the biggest procrastinator in the world, or close to it.

An Experience in Baby Wearing

Baby wearing is awesome for babies of all ages. It can really be a lifesaver for newborns, especially in the first few months when they aren’t as content to be put down. Sometimes it’s all you can do to get things done around the house (a couple of free hands make all the difference). But aside from that, there’s nothing like the feeling of being able to hold your baby close to you. The stroller can be nice sometimes, but your baby is only your baby for so long – as early as they start walking things can change a lot in that department. It really is a great bonding experience to actually be able to “wear” them close to your heart. And babies generally love being held close. It’s a win-win.

It’s something I wish I’d gotten a hold on when Penelope was a newborn. I had almost given up on the idea after deciding it wasn’t very comfortable – until I started looking into other carriers. It’s all about choosing the right kind of sling or wrap for you and baby. Not all are created equally! I have just finally found my niche in baby wearing, and it only took me 9 months. Though it will still be of great use for now, I wish I would have figured it all out while Penelope was in her “I want to be held 24/7″ phase. But it is definitely good knowledge that will come in handy in the future! I thought it would be nice to document my experience, so the following is a general overview so far. Keeping in mind, this is based on only one person’s opinions, personal preferences, and one baby’s preferences.

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1. The Over the Shoulder Adjustable Ring Sling

Pros: Adjustable, fairly easy concept, can discreetly breastfeed (just use the extra fabric to cover) – I really liked the extra fabric feature just for the ability to shield baby from the wind or sun.
Cons: Hot, can be hard to adjust, over the shoulder – I’ve found that over the shoulder just isn’t the best for me. It doesn’t evenly distribute the weight and can be uncomfortable to use for very long.
Investment: Mine was a homemade gift. The Maya Wrap is one known brand in ring slings and costs about $65. Target and Babysrus sell a brand of ring slings called Balboa Baby, but they aren’t much cheaper. They sell for about $55. They also are limited in adjustability, so I really wouldn’t recommend them anyway.

First time trying it out, a week and half old:

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Once Penelope got a little bigger her head never seemed to be well enough supported, as if it was always about to fall out. Sometimes she wiggled her way out of it – she wasn’t so fond of being swaddled really either, so it makes sense.

Aside from that she always seemed squished in the cradle carry (which she hated) & preferred to be upright by the time she was a month old, and though some people successfully do the upright hold in a ring sling, I still didn’t feel like she was ever supported well enough.

Maybe it’s just because she’s a bigger baby, or perhaps it depends on the woman’s shape. I’m not sure. Kind of a bummer since I like the look of the ring sling and some moms make it look really cozy. Who knows, maybe in the future I can find more use for it. I’d love to try it out again. At any rate, I really love the ring sling in itself.

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2. The Pouch Sling

Pros: Easy to put on, no adjusting necessary, can be used with infants in a cradle hold or for older babies in a hip carry position.

Cons: Over the shoulder, Non-adjustable – as long as it fits correctly this can be a pro, but if it doesn’t fit it’s essentially useless.
Investment: Again, mine was a homemade gift. You can find pouch slings through Target as low as $30, but the price really varies depending on where you look.

Penelope upright “in” her pouch – though she’s not really in it. This is the only picture I have with it though:

I love this pouch because it was made with love by an awesome friend (as was my ring sling). I used it a bit around the house. It can be great for a quick task – easy to put on with zero hassle. I also think the material can have a lot to do with it. A stretchier fabric perhaps would allow for a better fit. I really can’t see using a pouch sling once baby gets to be over a few months old. (I don’t know about your baby, but Penelope has always been heavy.)

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3. The Generic Front-to-Back Baby Carrier

Pros: Adjustable, convenient, masculine enough for dad to wear, quick, can be inexpensive, fairly comfortable, usually has a back support, easy to find.
Cons: Not an “all-ages” carrier – not ideal for very young babies who can’t hold their heads up, still can hurt your back (the adjustability has a limit), forces baby to sit on their crotch rather than sitting on their bottom, the front carry causes an unnatural curve in the spine. Example:

The manufacturers promote this position but it’s actually not the ideal position for baby to be in for a long period of time.
Investment: We paid about $30 for this Infantino. The Baby Bijorn carrier is highly rated, yet I’m not sure why. The Bijorn goes for about $80 and when I compared the two in store, neither one seemed particularly higher in quality. In fact, the leg openings on the Bijorn looked too small to me. The ergo is also an option that is similar to this style carrier, only positions the baby more like a mei tai (bottom) and costs $100+. It’s supposed to be a very comfortable and good quality carrier though.

As I mentioned, the carrier we have is an Infantino. It was a quick & inexpensive buy when we needed something quick for the pumpkin patch. Good quality, too. I knew it wasn’t the best carrier option out there, but it gets the job done. And it’s not going to kill your baby to be carried in it for a little while. It’s also the only kind of carrier that many dads will consider using.

All in all, not terrible. Just not the best. Definitely not a bad idea to keep one in the car for back up.

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4. The Single Fabric Baby Wrap

Pros: Comfortable (oh so comfortable), can be tied various ways, allows for baby to sit back on her bottom, can be used for newborns to toddlers, good for discreetly breastfeeding in younger babies (obviously the hold I have Penelope in isn’t ideal for it – she’s too big), easy to take baby in and out without re-adjusting, comes with a handy bag to carry it in, one size fits all in a good way – can be adjusted to fit anybody.
Cons: Can be hot, longer learning curve – may take a few tries but so worth it once you get it down.
Investment: These go for $35 – $40, depending on where you buy them. I paid $20 for my like-new Sleepy on craigslist.

Penelope is huge, mind you. This is how a newborn would be worn:

This is the baby wrap that I so wished I’d had sooner when I was making that whole spiel about finding my niche above. It is really the most versatile of all baby carriers. The main brands for these kind of wraps are the Moby Wrap and the Sleepy Wrap. I tried out the Moby from a friend of mine, but when the Sleepy was available for a cheap price on craigslist I jumped on it. I’m glad I did. I found the fabric to be more favorable. It has more of a stretch than the Moby, and means you really have to tie it quite snug (if it’s not snug enough it won’t feel comfortable). The end result though, in my opinion, is a better and more comfortable fit. I was so excited about how comfortable it was! I walked a couple miles in it with zero back pain, and my baby is 20 lbs plus. This would have been the solution to my problems with the prior carriers. The Moby can be found through the Target or Babysrus website so it’s more known, while the Sleepy generally has to be ordered directly from their site or can be found on ebay/craigslist. There are some lesser known brands such as Wombfruit Life that make their wraps out of cotton gauze, which is supposed to minimize the heat issue. I haven’t tried them out myself, though it seems like a good idea.

Some people find the wrapping to be too frustrating. It is very long, about 5 1/2 yards of fabric. This intimidates some people. It’s literally longer than my living room.

If you’re an impatient person you might pass it up. I would highly recommend sticking it out though. If you can stand a few failed attempts and a thorough read through the instructions, it’s a very worthy wrap.

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5. The Mei Tai (May-tie – not an alcoholic beverage)

Pros: Comfortable, adjustments made by tying – no buckle-straps involved, can be used for younger to older babies, baby sits on bottom, compact – fits in diaper bag, one of the easiest to tie & re-adjust.
Cons: Not as great if you want your baby facing outward, limited carrying positions, probably not ideal for breastfeeding, emphasizes the rolls in your back (ha ha).
Investment: Babyhawk sells them for around $90. Mei Tai Baby sells them for about $80. I bought mine off of ebay for $24 – that was including shipping.

The mei tai is essentially like a wrap, only much easier to tie (the trick is high and snug). It’s an Asian inspired wrap. Mine actually came from a seller on ebay from Thailand (it was cheap). You can find mei tais now all over ebay as their pattern is not very complicated. The leading brands I’ve seen are Babyhawk (which is supposed to be great, I just didn’t feel like spending $100 right now) and Mei Tai Baby. It comes in 2nd place for comfort next to the sleepy wrap, which works as a great alternate. A little less hassle & less hot. It’s a great grab-and-go carrier for the day time, and one that’s good to use with older babies. You can have it off and on very quickly, and though I prefer using it frontward you can use it frontward or backward pretty easily.

I even used it during band practice (although, baby was pretty fussy so it didn’t last long).

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So this is it for my adventures in baby wearing to date. If you made it this far, kudos to you! Conclusion – my overall favorite carriers based on comfort and versatility are definitely the wrap and the mei tai. But all carriers have their pros and cons, and all of them have their place. Each different design has its use.

I’ll end with a picture of Penelope sleeping in the mei tai:

- Melissa

Pe-moth-ah

I created a new page on the topic of “pemothah” here for those who were ever curious.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Quoted.

“For a few years I’ve felt like I was meant to marry someone who was troubled…that I was the personality type for that. So I went around and I’d be friends with people who needed to be “fixed” and I’d try to “fix” them. But with you…it’s different. In my mind there’s nothing about you that I want to fix.”

“Love hurts, but sometimes it’s a good hurt”

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4

Everybody knows this verse, but I think its meaning has become watered down. Love is put in such a narrow category sometimes and treated as a frilly, weak emotion. If you treat it as such, it will be weak. This verse is more than a filler for a greeting card or a nice reference for a wedding toast. It is a powerful passage filled with action words. Love “is” or love “does”… it “rejoices”, it “protects”, it “trusts”, it “hopes”. But it never says love “feels”…

I had always heard stories of these mothers who immediately fell in love with their babies from the start; that suddenly there is just this rush of awe and emotion beyond expression. I remember being in the operating room, fighting from exhaustion to keep my eyes open for the moment Penelope was going to come into the world. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. And then there she was…

There was definitely a feeling of awe. When they showed her to me, I was awestruck. There was also a feeling of strangeness. This was uncharted territory. A moment you can’t really grasp no matter how much you envisioned or anticipated it in your pregnancy. It was amazing when I got to hold her and look into her eyes while she looked back. It was surreal. This was my daughter. At the same time, it was just…strange. On the one hand I was supposed to feel love, but my own daughter felt to me like a stranger. In the following days, I didn’t feel that surge of “lovey dovey-ness” that I’d heard about. I’d feel uncomfortable when people would say, “Aren’t you just so in love?” I didn’t blame them. It always looked that way from the outside to me as well. It was the idea of it. You’d see pictures of moms with their newborns looking so at peace, but there is so much more beneath the surface. Even at my 5 week check-up my doctor asked me this. I said “Yes” and felt like a liar.

But I loved my daughter nonetheless, despite how I felt. Even in the midst of the difficult two week period of those trying “baby blues”, I took care of her. I held her. I comforted her. And I’m not saying I didn’t ever enjoy her. There were definitely plenty of moments. But I’d be lying if I said I felt some overwhelming surge of love. I was troubled that it seemed my love for her was out of duty. I went so far to think to myself, “What if she weren’t here?” The response to that question scared me. I could in fact easily picture my life without her. She had, after all, only been in my world for days. I desperately missed being pregnant with her because I felt more of a bond when she was apart of me than actually having her in my arms.

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Thanksgiving has come and passed, and the day before I found myself reminiscing about the moment I found out I was pregnant one year prior. I was excited and on top of the world. I couldn’t believe it. Penelope is nearly 4 months old today, and looking back now I can honestly say that I cannot imagine life without my Penny. She’s only been in our lives for these few short months, but the love I have for her is deep. It is real. It didn’t start with an immediate feeling or spark. It started with a commitment, and through that commitment love has truly grown and will continue to grow. The feelings came with time.  Sometimes we expect love to just happen or be handed to us, but it took effort. Some days I felt so low. Loving a newborn day in and day out who can’t reciprocate is not always easy. I imagine some people have an easier time with it, but it is nonetheless a take-take relationship in the beginning and that is exhausting. But the more I invested, the more I gained. You love because the Lord has taught what selfless love is all about. It’s not all about feelings or gaining something in return. Christ loved us more than we could ever imagine and gave the ultimate sacrifice. He loved his children when they loved him, and he loved them when they betrayed him. Just as Christ loves his children through thick and thin, I want to love my children the same. That’s the kind of love that is real and true.

I love her more everyday and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She is our precious little girl & such a joy. It’s really one of the most rewarding relationships, and we’ve only just begun.

Reflections

This was a private entry. Usually I tend to write vaguely. I have a tendency to hide the inner most parts of me or coat them somehow to appear stronger and above things. I hide too much. But this is going to be very raw. This is me…

I just want to run away with my love and cuddle somewhere where there is no responsibility or cares in the world. I used to have that…

Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a parent…

Maybe this is just normal…

I keep thinking back to our dating days a lot, how our friendship emerged into a relationship. How those days then transformed into an engagement, and then a marriage…the course of our relationship together. I know we’ll get that back, and we’ll have a nice little family with lots of love & memories. I know this is the next step. I know it will bring us closer & has already taught me to appreciate more. But I can’t help how I’m feeling in the moment. I feel nostalgic…I feel trapped…I feel like I can’t cope. I’m scared…I’m anxious…

…at least one moment. Then in another I’ll feel like super-mom & wife, like I can do it all.

I’m just at an uneasy place right now. It’s only been 6 days after all. They do say it gets easier. There are just so many emotions right now. It’s interesting that I predicted this in previous journaling…how Steve and I will always be parents, and how you can’t get time back. I was taking in the moments & enjoying my pregnancy as much as possible. Our last times being able to just be “Steve and Melissa”. I thought about that a lot, keeping it in the back of my mind to take it all in. To enjoy it. And yet, it wasn’t enough. Sometimes as much as you can anticipate something, you can’t ever really be completely prepared until it happens. I couldn’t grasp it fully, and now I miss it. I know that this will eventually mold into our everyday lives & we will deal. But oh… how much I just miss the thought of being able to pick up even just to go walk to the store with Steve at any given time. What precious memories we have…even all those simple things. (I love him so much).

I still can’t believe it. I still keep thinking about being in the operating room, and how I was barely coherent. Then I felt a gentle touch on my hand & slowly opened my eyes to see the face of my caring husband at my side. Not long after that, Penelope came… and it was amazing to see her. My little girl that I carried for 9 months…there she was. And there was her daddy looking on, taking pictures. He looked as if he couldn’t believe it either.

And now I ache because that moment is gone… I just can’t believe it.

I love my husband so much. I know our daughter is a blessing… we will be okay. We just have to get over this little bump. Things will get better. Right now this is our job, but there is a time for everything. Someday this will be over & we’ll be onto another stage. Just thinking back to the stages we’ve been at… it’s all so special. Our relationship. And I know this step is a building block to growing closer, even if it seems hard right now. Even if we seem trapped. Love grows. Sometimes you just have to overshadow your feelings and push through it, know what you know – there really is a time for everything, and this time will end. Like I said, you can’t get time back. I can’t get Penelope at 1 day old back. I can’t get that moment with Steve holding my hand back…I’m trying hard to realize what’s around me now & know that these too will be part of the memories I miss. These will be the good old days that mold our every growing relationship. Love really is pain, but a good kind I suppose. The “worth it” kind.

It’s hard, but in the end, I look at my husband…I look at the face of my little girl… and I know I’m blessed. Thank the Lord. God’s timing is the perfect timing. I need to embrace that.

Love knows no fear, so why do I?

I suppose this is a continuation of my last written thought, which quoted song lyrics. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Rather, it’s been on my mind a lot throughout the entire course of my spiritual walk in general – though it tends to peek in different phases, hence the focus. I have quite a few thoughts whirling in my head about this, but for now I will let the question sink in until I can direct these thoughts more tangibly…

1 John 4:18.

Have I run out of words?

And I get so close
But I run away,
I run away
The things I fear the most
Keep me hear to stay…

In my unowned words

Bat your eyes girl, be otherworldly,
Count your blessings, seduce a stranger
What’s so wrong with being happy?
Kudos to those who see through sickness
Over and over and over and over…

She woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a warning,
“Don’t ever let life pass you by”

I suggest we learn to love ourselves
Before its made illegal
When will we learn?
When will we change?
Just in time to see it all come down
Those left standing will make millions
Writing books on the way it should have been

Floating in this cosmic jacuzzi,
We are like frogs oblivious
To the water starting to boil,
No one flinches, we all float face down

She woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a warning,
“Don’t ever let life pass you by”

The whirlwind of February

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and a fair amount going on, but most of which I’m not really going to write about just yet. (All these thoughts floating around in my head haven’t taken much direction. I like having some sort of an endpoint in mind.) Therefore, a directionless entry – but I thought I’d write.

February has just flown by. I can’t believe just how fast. Things seemed so slow at first, and now I’m seeing myself anticipating this “midpoint” knowing that midpoints are just the beginning to a downward slope to the finish line. Therefore, I’m really past that point, on to the downhill part in my mind. Welcome to how I think. (Of course I’m talking about pregnancy if you couldn’t tell.) Just the other day I “thunk” my child all the way to college, then stopped to realize – I haven’t even met my child yet.

Other things I’ve been anticipating are the changes that are going to happen. I’m the type of person who thinks through everything sometimes even long before I’m at that point. I take a lot of time going through the psychology of what kind of change will happen, how I’ll probably react, how it will affect my relationships and my life, etc. It’s natural for me. This isn’t to say I can predict how things will play out, just that it gives some sort of preparation and realistic expectation to deal with the unexpected. I’ve never had a child before, so I can’t possibly know how my days will look exactly. But aside from all the exciting things having a baby will bring – the cuteness, the clothes, picking out names, going on walks, the reward of being a mother, etc, I’ve also been thinking of all the nitty-gritty, down to reality things that a baby will bring. I have always believed children are a blessing of course, but in the smaller picture, day to day life brings its share of challenges and obstacles. Lately I’ve been thinking in terms of how it will play into our marriage…

I have to say, as much as I am not a worry wart, I’ve encountered some feelings of fear this month in particular. There are of course all the normal fears; will I be a good mother? Will my baby be healthy? Will we have enough money? And etc. But one thing I don’t think people think too much about (in great detail at least) is how a child will affect the marriage. I’ve known of many who are just blown away by the changes that come and frustrate themselves because they don’t know what went wrong where and how to deal with it. (Nobody in particular in mind, I promise.) As I started thinking about the realities of caring for a baby, I thought of all the freedoms Steve and I have now; the ability to pick up and leave with no responsibility, like this past weekend. Randomly being invited to a last minute friend’s get together. Going out on a whim for a midnight snack. Relaxing on the couch together for hours with no interruption. The list goes on. We’ll never have it quite like this again. Naturally, that’s a little scary.

Before this sounds like I’m focused on the negative, it’s actually turned out to be the opposite. Sure initially it’s a scary thought. But I’m 5 months pregnant. If anything, I’m feeling thankful for my thought process – I have time yet. When Steve and I do these things lately, I’ve been going into reminiscing mode. I’m happy to enjoy these days of “freedom”, and know that the baby will change our lives forever. But it’s a good change. Life will be different, and that’s all. Not better, not worse. Working this difference into our marriage is completely feasible. It just takes some awareness and effort. I don’t expect perfection, I know I’m likely to have those down days. But I do expect to live and learn (no pun intended). One thing I’m not worried about is that everything will work out. Fortunately, I’m also not really afraid of commitment. I’m all about diving in and making it work.

That being said, I really would love to take a weekend sometime in the next few months with Steve and just go to the mountains. It would be great to go back to the cabin we honeymooned at, but I don’t think a trip to Northern California is in the cards for us right now. But, there are tons of nearby mountain areas that would do just fine.

I’m thankful for what’s to come. I’m thankful for my time in the now. Life is good…