Reflections

This was a private entry. Usually I tend to write vaguely. I have a tendency to hide the inner most parts of me or coat them somehow to appear stronger and above things. I hide too much. But this is going to be very raw. This is me…

I just want to run away with my love and cuddle somewhere where there is no responsibility or cares in the world. I used to have that…

Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a parent…

Maybe this is just normal…

I keep thinking back to our dating days a lot, how our friendship emerged into a relationship. How those days then transformed into an engagement, and then a marriage…the course of our relationship together. I know we’ll get that back, and we’ll have a nice little family with lots of love & memories. I know this is the next step. I know it will bring us closer & has already taught me to appreciate more. But I can’t help how I’m feeling in the moment. I feel nostalgic…I feel trapped…I feel like I can’t cope. I’m scared…I’m anxious…

…at least one moment. Then in another I’ll feel like super-mom & wife, like I can do it all.

I’m just at an uneasy place right now. It’s only been 6 days after all. They do say it gets easier. There are just so many emotions right now. It’s interesting that I predicted this in previous journaling…how Steve and I will always be parents, and how you can’t get time back. I was taking in the moments & enjoying my pregnancy as much as possible. Our last times being able to just be “Steve and Melissa”. I thought about that a lot, keeping it in the back of my mind to take it all in. To enjoy it. And yet, it wasn’t enough. Sometimes as much as you can anticipate something, you can’t ever really be completely prepared until it happens. I couldn’t grasp it fully, and now I miss it. I know that this will eventually mold into our everyday lives & we will deal. But oh… how much I just miss the thought of being able to pick up even just to go walk to the store with Steve at any given time. What precious memories we have…even all those simple things. (I love him so much).

I still can’t believe it. I still keep thinking about being in the operating room, and how I was barely coherent. Then I felt a gentle touch on my hand & slowly opened my eyes to see the face of my caring husband at my side. Not long after that, Penelope came… and it was amazing to see her. My little girl that I carried for 9 months…there she was. And there was her daddy looking on, taking pictures. He looked as if he couldn’t believe it either.

And now I ache because that moment is gone… I just can’t believe it.

I love my husband so much. I know our daughter is a blessing… we will be okay. We just have to get over this little bump. Things will get better. Right now this is our job, but there is a time for everything. Someday this will be over & we’ll be onto another stage. Just thinking back to the stages we’ve been at… it’s all so special. Our relationship. And I know this step is a building block to growing closer, even if it seems hard right now. Even if we seem trapped. Love grows. Sometimes you just have to overshadow your feelings and push through it, know what you know – there really is a time for everything, and this time will end. Like I said, you can’t get time back. I can’t get Penelope at 1 day old back. I can’t get that moment with Steve holding my hand back…I’m trying hard to realize what’s around me now & know that these too will be part of the memories I miss. These will be the good old days that mold our every growing relationship. Love really is pain, but a good kind I suppose. The “worth it” kind.

It’s hard, but in the end, I look at my husband…I look at the face of my little girl… and I know I’m blessed. Thank the Lord. God’s timing is the perfect timing. I need to embrace that.

The whirlwind of February

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and a fair amount going on, but most of which I’m not really going to write about just yet. (All these thoughts floating around in my head haven’t taken much direction. I like having some sort of an endpoint in mind.) Therefore, a directionless entry – but I thought I’d write.

February has just flown by. I can’t believe just how fast. Things seemed so slow at first, and now I’m seeing myself anticipating this “midpoint” knowing that midpoints are just the beginning to a downward slope to the finish line. Therefore, I’m really past that point, on to the downhill part in my mind. Welcome to how I think. (Of course I’m talking about pregnancy if you couldn’t tell.) Just the other day I “thunk” my child all the way to college, then stopped to realize – I haven’t even met my child yet.

Other things I’ve been anticipating are the changes that are going to happen. I’m the type of person who thinks through everything sometimes even long before I’m at that point. I take a lot of time going through the psychology of what kind of change will happen, how I’ll probably react, how it will affect my relationships and my life, etc. It’s natural for me. This isn’t to say I can predict how things will play out, just that it gives some sort of preparation and realistic expectation to deal with the unexpected. I’ve never had a child before, so I can’t possibly know how my days will look exactly. But aside from all the exciting things having a baby will bring – the cuteness, the clothes, picking out names, going on walks, the reward of being a mother, etc, I’ve also been thinking of all the nitty-gritty, down to reality things that a baby will bring. I have always believed children are a blessing of course, but in the smaller picture, day to day life brings its share of challenges and obstacles. Lately I’ve been thinking in terms of how it will play into our marriage…

I have to say, as much as I am not a worry wart, I’ve encountered some feelings of fear this month in particular. There are of course all the normal fears; will I be a good mother? Will my baby be healthy? Will we have enough money? And etc. But one thing I don’t think people think too much about (in great detail at least) is how a child will affect the marriage. I’ve known of many who are just blown away by the changes that come and frustrate themselves because they don’t know what went wrong where and how to deal with it. (Nobody in particular in mind, I promise.) As I started thinking about the realities of caring for a baby, I thought of all the freedoms Steve and I have now; the ability to pick up and leave with no responsibility, like this past weekend. Randomly being invited to a last minute friend’s get together. Going out on a whim for a midnight snack. Relaxing on the couch together for hours with no interruption. The list goes on. We’ll never have it quite like this again. Naturally, that’s a little scary.

Before this sounds like I’m focused on the negative, it’s actually turned out to be the opposite. Sure initially it’s a scary thought. But I’m 5 months pregnant. If anything, I’m feeling thankful for my thought process – I have time yet. When Steve and I do these things lately, I’ve been going into reminiscing mode. I’m happy to enjoy these days of “freedom”, and know that the baby will change our lives forever. But it’s a good change. Life will be different, and that’s all. Not better, not worse. Working this difference into our marriage is completely feasible. It just takes some awareness and effort. I don’t expect perfection, I know I’m likely to have those down days. But I do expect to live and learn (no pun intended). One thing I’m not worried about is that everything will work out. Fortunately, I’m also not really afraid of commitment. I’m all about diving in and making it work.

That being said, I really would love to take a weekend sometime in the next few months with Steve and just go to the mountains. It would be great to go back to the cabin we honeymooned at, but I don’t think a trip to Northern California is in the cards for us right now. But, there are tons of nearby mountain areas that would do just fine.

I’m thankful for what’s to come. I’m thankful for my time in the now. Life is good…

Oh baby

“What is it like knowing you have a life growing inside of you?”

This is along the lines of a question I asked my friend a couple of years ago when she was about as pregnant as I am now.

The answer to this is “amazing”, in theory. After all most common days you don’t really think too deeply about it. When I asked my friend, I think I hit her on one of those days as I recall expecting more of a response.

In fact some days I don’t even feel pregnant. In the first trimester there is no visible proof, and at times I’ve even wondered, “am I still pregnant?” (According to a book I have, that is a very normal question.) You would know if you miscarried so this fear is obviously irrational. I guess I always expected to “feel something”, what that something is I’m not really sure. You also have many organs that are bigger than baby is right now and you don’t feel all of those working. Apparently in this week the baby is flailing and kicking like crazy, you just can’t feel it. The bigger baby gets, the less space they have to move as freely.

Luckily for me, I have also been blessed with what I would label a very easy first trimester. Some days this makes it all the more hard to believe I’m pregnant. I’ve had nausea, sure, but the worst of it was gone as soon as I found out and was mild at that. When I say nausea, most people seem to think I mean vomiting, but this hasn’t been the case at all. The thing that has been harder than the occasional nausea is the fatigue. At about 13 weeks now, I’m not feeling quite as regularly fatigued, yet it’s left me with a bad habitual practice that I need to start to break now. One of my weaknesses is that I’m lazy in the flesh, but in spirit I long to be doing things. When I do get up and out, I feel great. It’s the getting there part. This is why I thrive on a schedule.

I’ve had no set schedule these past few weeks since school ended. With the fatigue I haven’t been doing much, which means I’ve put being lethargic into a practice. The busier I am, the more I seem to get done. Ironic? Maybe. I actually believe I’ll be more active once I have a baby. (Maybe that’s a given, do you really have a choice?). The baby needs a schedule, and so do I. Motherhood will be good for me and the baby, everybody wins. (I do realize babies break schedules, but it’s still some sort of routine). Since I’m about to hit that second trimester (at 14 weeks), I’ll have no excuse to not be exercising. The second trimester is supposed to be the most comfortable and enjoyable time in pregnancy.

On a more serious note, I have been beaming about motherhood. Like I said, most days you don’t think in depth about it, but in those times that you do, it’s really a great feeling. It puts my fears aside. I can tell God certainly has his hand in this. Speaking of which, on a bit of a tangent, the fact that I’m going to be having this baby at 24 is a sure “God thing”.

When I was 19 after a hard time in my life, I was fearing loneliness. Out of nowhere I felt the intuition of marriage at 21, with no likely person in sight. I had a pretty damaged heart at this point and never thought I’d meet anybody in that time frame. I passed it off as foolishness. Aside from that, I was 19 working at a barely over minimum wage job living with my parents; the idea of marriage was just unimaginable. I already knew Steve, but at this point I would have NEVER guessed I’d ever be interested in him. But that was the beauty of it. To have no intentions sure makes it easier to actually develop a real friendship with no threat of distraction – that came in handy later. So, when the time was right God put up a big green light and said “Go!”. After dating for a year it became apparent to us that it was our time for marriage. No, not because I was 21 (Steve controlled the question popping anyway) but because God opened the door. We wouldn’t have been able to do it otherwise. Well, shortly after we got married I had a similar intuition about children at 24. Nonetheless, parenthood seemed to fit more in the 27 – 28 year old realm. But of course, God knows the plans for us better than we do and because of that, I have no anxieties about this timing. It’s perfect. Unexpected, but right. And thanks to marriage at 21, I feel I’ve had an adequate amount time alone with my husband. As it turns out, I’ll barely be 24 when baby comes. (And to reiterate, this child was definitely not planned.)

It is still a surreal thing. It’s hard to believe that in 6 or so months, we’ll be having a baby. I will forever be a mother…what a feeling.

As for now, I just look forward to a) start showing, and b) finding out the baby’s sex. When I can really visualize that my child is a he or a she, and then give him or her a name, it will seem more real. The child will have some sort of identity aside from “it” or “the baby”.