“…the world will go on turning”

I think maybe three people read this. Sometimes I have to ask myself why I write as if I’m writing to an audience. We all do this in some form or another. We all want people to care. Blogging is my way of pretending. I am not aiming to be a downer. I’m just being realistic. (As I go on, writing for “somebody”).

It’s a blind hope. You put forth your voice and show your vulnerability via a public platform open for anybody to find you, just hoping to be found. Hypothetically, everybody who’s anybody could be reading your words. Maybe you don’t actually want to know. Ignorance is bliss. Maybe nobody is reading. But maybe somebody is. Maybe people actually care about what you have to say. Or maybe somebody cares.

And maybe I am going on 24 hours of awakeness mixed with sick.

Nostalgia.

And when we get home, I know we won’t be home at all. This place we live, it is not where we belong. And I miss who we were in the town that we could call our own. Going back to get away after everything has changed. Could you remind me of a time when we were so alive? Do you remember that? Could you help me push aside all that I have left behind? Do you remember that? (Everything has changed.) So we stand here now and no one knows us at all. I won’t get used to this. I won’t get used to being gone. And going back won’t feel the same if we aren’t staying. Going back to get away after everything has changed. It’s taking up our time, we can’t go back. We can’t go back at all.

Quoted.

“For a few years I’ve felt like I was meant to marry someone who was troubled…that I was the personality type for that. So I went around and I’d be friends with people who needed to be “fixed” and I’d try to “fix” them. But with you…it’s different. In my mind there’s nothing about you that I want to fix.”

“Love hurts, but sometimes it’s a good hurt”

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4

Everybody knows this verse, but I think its meaning has become watered down. Love is put in such a narrow category sometimes and treated as a frilly, weak emotion. If you treat it as such, it will be weak. This verse is more than a filler for a greeting card or a nice reference for a wedding toast. It is a powerful passage filled with action words. Love “is” or love “does”… it “rejoices”, it “protects”, it “trusts”, it “hopes”. But it never says love “feels”…

I had always heard stories of these mothers who immediately fell in love with their babies from the start; that suddenly there is just this rush of awe and emotion beyond expression. I remember being in the operating room, fighting from exhaustion to keep my eyes open for the moment Penelope was going to come into the world. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. And then there she was…

There was definitely a feeling of awe. When they showed her to me, I was awestruck. There was also a feeling of strangeness. This was uncharted territory. A moment you can’t really grasp no matter how much you envisioned or anticipated it in your pregnancy. It was amazing when I got to hold her and look into her eyes while she looked back. It was surreal. This was my daughter. At the same time, it was just…strange. On the one hand I was supposed to feel love, but my own daughter felt to me like a stranger. In the following days, I didn’t feel that surge of “lovey dovey-ness” that I’d heard about. I’d feel uncomfortable when people would say, “Aren’t you just so in love?” I didn’t blame them. It always looked that way from the outside to me as well. It was the idea of it. You’d see pictures of moms with their newborns looking so at peace, but there is so much more beneath the surface. Even at my 5 week check-up my doctor asked me this. I said “Yes” and felt like a liar.

But I loved my daughter nonetheless, despite how I felt. Even in the midst of the difficult two week period of those trying “baby blues”, I took care of her. I held her. I comforted her. And I’m not saying I didn’t ever enjoy her. There were definitely plenty of moments. But I’d be lying if I said I felt some overwhelming surge of love. I was troubled that it seemed my love for her was out of duty. I went so far to think to myself, “What if she weren’t here?” The response to that question scared me. I could in fact easily picture my life without her. She had, after all, only been in my world for days. I desperately missed being pregnant with her because I felt more of a bond when she was apart of me than actually having her in my arms.

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Thanksgiving has come and passed, and the day before I found myself reminiscing about the moment I found out I was pregnant one year prior. I was excited and on top of the world. I couldn’t believe it. Penelope is nearly 4 months old today, and looking back now I can honestly say that I cannot imagine life without my Penny. She’s only been in our lives for these few short months, but the love I have for her is deep. It is real. It didn’t start with an immediate feeling or spark. It started with a commitment, and through that commitment love has truly grown and will continue to grow. The feelings came with time.  Sometimes we expect love to just happen or be handed to us, but it took effort. Some days I felt so low. Loving a newborn day in and day out who can’t reciprocate is not always easy. I imagine some people have an easier time with it, but it is nonetheless a take-take relationship in the beginning and that is exhausting. But the more I invested, the more I gained. You love because the Lord has taught what selfless love is all about. It’s not all about feelings or gaining something in return. Christ loved us more than we could ever imagine and gave the ultimate sacrifice. He loved his children when they loved him, and he loved them when they betrayed him. Just as Christ loves his children through thick and thin, I want to love my children the same. That’s the kind of love that is real and true.

I love her more everyday and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She is our precious little girl & such a joy. It’s really one of the most rewarding relationships, and we’ve only just begun.