“Love hurts, but sometimes it’s a good hurt”

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4

Everybody knows this verse, but I think its meaning has become watered down. Love is put in such a narrow category sometimes and treated as a frilly, weak emotion. If you treat it as such, it will be weak. This verse is more than a filler for a greeting card or a nice reference for a wedding toast. It is a powerful passage filled with action words. Love “is” or love “does”… it “rejoices”, it “protects”, it “trusts”, it “hopes”. But it never says love “feels”…

I had always heard stories of these mothers who immediately fell in love with their babies from the start; that suddenly there is just this rush of awe and emotion beyond expression. I remember being in the operating room, fighting from exhaustion to keep my eyes open for the moment Penelope was going to come into the world. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. And then there she was…

There was definitely a feeling of awe. When they showed her to me, I was awestruck. There was also a feeling of strangeness. This was uncharted territory. A moment you can’t really grasp no matter how much you envisioned or anticipated it in your pregnancy. It was amazing when I got to hold her and look into her eyes while she looked back. It was surreal. This was my daughter. At the same time, it was just…strange. On the one hand I was supposed to feel love, but my own daughter felt to me like a stranger. In the following days, I didn’t feel that surge of “lovey dovey-ness” that I’d heard about. I’d feel uncomfortable when people would say, “Aren’t you just so in love?” I didn’t blame them. It always looked that way from the outside to me as well. It was the idea of it. You’d see pictures of moms with their newborns looking so at peace, but there is so much more beneath the surface. Even at my 5 week check-up my doctor asked me this. I said “Yes” and felt like a liar.

But I loved my daughter nonetheless, despite how I felt. Even in the midst of the difficult two week period of those trying “baby blues”, I took care of her. I held her. I comforted her. And I’m not saying I didn’t ever enjoy her. There were definitely plenty of moments. But I’d be lying if I said I felt some overwhelming surge of love. I was troubled that it seemed my love for her was out of duty. I went so far to think to myself, “What if she weren’t here?” The response to that question scared me. I could in fact easily picture my life without her. She had, after all, only been in my world for days. I desperately missed being pregnant with her because I felt more of a bond when she was apart of me than actually having her in my arms.

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Thanksgiving has come and passed, and the day before I found myself reminiscing about the moment I found out I was pregnant one year prior. I was excited and on top of the world. I couldn’t believe it. Penelope is nearly 4 months old today, and looking back now I can honestly say that I cannot imagine life without my Penny. She’s only been in our lives for these few short months, but the love I have for her is deep. It is real. It didn’t start with an immediate feeling or spark. It started with a commitment, and through that commitment love has truly grown and will continue to grow. The feelings came with time.  Sometimes we expect love to just happen or be handed to us, but it took effort. Some days I felt so low. Loving a newborn day in and day out who can’t reciprocate is not always easy. I imagine some people have an easier time with it, but it is nonetheless a take-take relationship in the beginning and that is exhausting. But the more I invested, the more I gained. You love because the Lord has taught what selfless love is all about. It’s not all about feelings or gaining something in return. Christ loved us more than we could ever imagine and gave the ultimate sacrifice. He loved his children when they loved him, and he loved them when they betrayed him. Just as Christ loves his children through thick and thin, I want to love my children the same. That’s the kind of love that is real and true.

I love her more everyday and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She is our precious little girl & such a joy. It’s really one of the most rewarding relationships, and we’ve only just begun.

Reflections

This was a private entry. Usually I tend to write vaguely. I have a tendency to hide the inner most parts of me or coat them somehow to appear stronger and above things. I hide too much. But this is going to be very raw. This is me…

I just want to run away with my love and cuddle somewhere where there is no responsibility or cares in the world. I used to have that…

Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a parent…

Maybe this is just normal…

I keep thinking back to our dating days a lot, how our friendship emerged into a relationship. How those days then transformed into an engagement, and then a marriage…the course of our relationship together. I know we’ll get that back, and we’ll have a nice little family with lots of love & memories. I know this is the next step. I know it will bring us closer & has already taught me to appreciate more. But I can’t help how I’m feeling in the moment. I feel nostalgic…I feel trapped…I feel like I can’t cope. I’m scared…I’m anxious…

…at least one moment. Then in another I’ll feel like super-mom & wife, like I can do it all.

I’m just at an uneasy place right now. It’s only been 6 days after all. They do say it gets easier. There are just so many emotions right now. It’s interesting that I predicted this in previous journaling…how Steve and I will always be parents, and how you can’t get time back. I was taking in the moments & enjoying my pregnancy as much as possible. Our last times being able to just be “Steve and Melissa”. I thought about that a lot, keeping it in the back of my mind to take it all in. To enjoy it. And yet, it wasn’t enough. Sometimes as much as you can anticipate something, you can’t ever really be completely prepared until it happens. I couldn’t grasp it fully, and now I miss it. I know that this will eventually mold into our everyday lives & we will deal. But oh… how much I just miss the thought of being able to pick up even just to go walk to the store with Steve at any given time. What precious memories we have…even all those simple things. (I love him so much).

I still can’t believe it. I still keep thinking about being in the operating room, and how I was barely coherent. Then I felt a gentle touch on my hand & slowly opened my eyes to see the face of my caring husband at my side. Not long after that, Penelope came… and it was amazing to see her. My little girl that I carried for 9 months…there she was. And there was her daddy looking on, taking pictures. He looked as if he couldn’t believe it either.

And now I ache because that moment is gone… I just can’t believe it.

I love my husband so much. I know our daughter is a blessing… we will be okay. We just have to get over this little bump. Things will get better. Right now this is our job, but there is a time for everything. Someday this will be over & we’ll be onto another stage. Just thinking back to the stages we’ve been at… it’s all so special. Our relationship. And I know this step is a building block to growing closer, even if it seems hard right now. Even if we seem trapped. Love grows. Sometimes you just have to overshadow your feelings and push through it, know what you know – there really is a time for everything, and this time will end. Like I said, you can’t get time back. I can’t get Penelope at 1 day old back. I can’t get that moment with Steve holding my hand back…I’m trying hard to realize what’s around me now & know that these too will be part of the memories I miss. These will be the good old days that mold our every growing relationship. Love really is pain, but a good kind I suppose. The “worth it” kind.

It’s hard, but in the end, I look at my husband…I look at the face of my little girl… and I know I’m blessed. Thank the Lord. God’s timing is the perfect timing. I need to embrace that.

Rainy days & the city

It’s been a rainy week in San Diego. I personally love the aftermath of a rainy day. These are just a few pictures I snapped from our backyard this morning.
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Water drops on the door

Water drops on grass. (Or as Steve says, “weeds”)

Our growing vine.

Water and leaves collecting in our ever empty flower pots.

God has given us such a beautiful world and honestly sometimes I take that for granted. Perspective really changes when you focus your eyes on the positives. It’s nice to just stop and appreciate the things around you sometimes. One of the things I’m looking forward to about motherhood is having the ability to get out into this community more while I take my baby for walks – and I love living right in the heart of University City. It’s just enough city, just enough suburb. I call it a “mini city”. Because of its location, it feels secluded – something to the affect of Julian’s main town area, or the community of San Elijo in south Carlsbad, only on a larger scale. When you walk around, you do get the sense of a city where everything is nearby, and I love that there are always pedestrians. (There have been times where Steve and I walk to the store just for the heck of it.) There is also a large canyon with different trails behind our house. We’ve biked and walked through there many times. And of course, La Jolla is just down the street with the beautiful beach.

It does tend to be known as a college town with UCSD being here, so it has its share of high rise apartment buildings and sidewalks full of college kids – and I love that. But there is also a decent number of family housing as well located more along the outskirts, which I also love. The city is all around you, but it’s also filled with secluded parks and grassy areas in between. You are never limited to city or suburb; it’s like the best of both worlds.

While driving home today amongst the rain, the pedestrians, and the quieter streets of the outskirts I told myself, “I wouldn’t mind staying in this area forever.” I feel very blessed. I’m taking notice of this community…

“It’s a perfect life, and this time counts…”

His Story

Today is Inauguration Day. I am excited to be living in this particular era in history. For my associates degree my emphasis is in this very subject, and this last spring semester was my preferred time in history to dive into, which included the civil rights movement. In my women’s studies class, we were assigned a research paper on a woman who grew up during these pivotal times. I chose my mother, who was born in 1947 and attended high school in Michigan during the early to mid 60′s. She remembers the segregation, the riots, Martin Luther King, etc. My mom was a strong woman. She was a social and popular student, yet befriended a group of African Americans in her high school at a time when it was looked down upon from her peers. At this time in Michigan de facto segregation was in practice, and people stuck to “their side of the tracks”. 1965 brought on many riots just after the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act were passed. My mom was caught in the middle of one of these riots. Before school ended that day, her African American friends came and found her because they knew danger was coming. They formed a circle around her along with some other white friends, leading them out of the school to safety. My mom described the chaotic scene, with violence going on and cars being flipped over in the parking lot. It was so interesting to hear the first hand experiences of somebody who lived it.

Also during spring semester I had the benefit of being assigned a book to read for my American History class. The book is Coming of Age in Mississippi by Anne Moody and I highly recommend it. It is a biography of the life of an African American living in the south during the civil rights era and her tireless efforts to instigate change. During her college years she was involved in one of the Woolworth sit-ins in Jackson Mississippi; a non-violent protest where Moody, joined with a few other students refused to leave the segregated counter until they were served. The white students protesting with them were harassed just as much for their association. Below is a picture from this particular sit-in.

This was just after a group of white students poured in and began harassing Moody and the other protesters. It became much more rowdy afterwards and violence broke out. Nonetheless, they stood their ground. (Anne Moody is to the far right – 1963.)

Anne Moody’s life was so rough. She fought so hard, put her life and family’s life in danger, and never gave up in the most frustrating of times. By the time she was just my age she was on the K.K.K’s list of people to actually kill – she was making that much of a difference – and she still didn’t stand down. It is truly amazing. I can’t fully describe the contents of the book, you really have to read it. I dove into her character so much that I felt as though I went through what she went through. I cried and felt frustrated, and overcome with joy whenever there was a tiny break through. Immediately after I finished it I felt convicted for any time I’ve ever complained about my situation. Many of us have lived such comfortable lives. We really have no comprehension of what it means to be persecuted or have our faith be tested.

This book paired with the interview from my mom just made this era come alive. To see the past through the eyes of those who lived it – those who are still alive, and those who are connected to me – wow. It really makes you think about how far we’ve come.

Today an African American man was just inaugurated as president. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty darn amazing.

The New President
So we officially have a new president. Honestly, I feel eager and excited to see what happens from here. I didn’t vote for Obama, but because he is our leader I’m supportive of him and will pray for our leadership. I’ve seen the attitude of so many “anti-Obamans” as being so negative; I’ve heard him actually referred to the anti-christ! As if he’s going to completely ruin us. I think it’s a lot of hype. I really don’t see him to be an evil man.

It makes me wonder how much credit we give to our real Savior. So Obama was elected president of ONE very privileged country out of the entire world. I see how people live in other places and feel very fortunate. It also makes me wonder how Christian we really are when we act the way we do about other human beings. I don’t see danger in Obama, even if everything he is about isn’t exactly on my same page (McCain wasn’t either for what it’s worth.) We also have to remember that “Republican” does not automatically equal “Christian”. I think I’ve seen more hypocritical Republican-Christians than liberals, unfortunately. On the same point, we should not judge fellow Christians who are *gasp* Democrats. I myself do not claim to be defined by either one. I hate categories. I believe what I believe, and sometimes that falls into both. We should get to know people, not try to put them in a box and jump to conclusions about how to define them.

And maybe I will be proved wrong. Maybe chaos will occur, maybe Obama won’t live up to America’s expectations – for now I’m optimistic. But even if things go wrong, God is always on the throne, and the person who won this presidency was already going to win this presidency. We need to accept that, and furthermore believe in the plans that God has for us. HiStory still continues.

An obvious epiphany

It’s so amazing what God points out to you when you’re getting into his word on a daily basis.

Reading through so many different scriptures this week really took me backwards. That same feeling from the “good old days” of the college group came to me. Then it dawned on me – the most obvious thing ever, but sometimes God needs to point out the obvious just because we haven’t fully processed it, even if we technically do know it. So here it is. The reason why the college group I speak of was so amazing wasn’t fueled by a setting or a group. It was so powerful because of the Lord and His movement.

I know, obvious, right? Nonetheless, I feel like I’ve been foolish in putting more emphasis on the group rather than giving full credit to the Lord. My comfort in his scripture can happen anywhere – and it has this week. He can make the “good old days” the good new days, all the time. It’s truly all about Him! And I am so thankful He’s restored that affirmation in me. I needed it. As for now, no more living in the past. I am done with this topic. :]

“A work in progress”

This week it seems I’ve kicked some of my “pending statuses” into gear. I hadn’t worked on anything istock related for about 5 months – since school started. These past couple days, I’ve submitted 6 images and am working on more. It feels good to get back my ability to actually feel like creating. A semester like this last one sends my mind into one track mode, where I just can’t tap into the multi-tasking part of my brain. It seems to shut down. (I did receive 3 As out of 4 classes this semester, so I guess it pays off.)

The second thing I started this week was a devotional. I’ve been reading and praying every morning – something I’ve been struggling with for a while now…

It’s like this. The transition to marriage was exceptionally smooth for Steve and I. Call us blessed. We found getting along and communicating easy, making for a great first year. However, spiritually speaking, the post marriage adjustment was really hard on me. Whether it’s a valid excuse or not, it really slowed down my walk. God really used the college group I had been with prior to change my heart and it was hard to leave that. All of a sudden I was in a new town at a new church. As it is, I tend to adjust very slowly to social change. I also tend to become discouraged easily when social situations don’t improve, then I close off. These things together work to destroy. I had also lost an amazing system of accountability. This college group was really like none other. Christ was so alive; there was movement.

But before this sounds too much like a “pity me” story, there is after all a lesson to me in that experience. It’s a lesson I still struggle to live up to. First of all, a person’s attitude can make or break their experience. Mine just wasn’t very optimistic. I took two steps backward with what I’d accomplished and took on the appearance of fear.

When I had first come to the college group shortly after graduating high school, I knew I belonged there. But I also knew it was a transitional phase. God sent me people who really reached out to me; who mentored me, genuinely cared about my life and even called me if I hadn’t been around instead of letting me just fade away. That kind of love through effort and concern unfortunately is rare. I had been to groups before who didn’t give a darn about me losing touch, including my home church. This is ultimately how I found the college group. They allowed me to build up so much that I couldn’t do on my own then. But God knew the time when I needed to grow and take those tools with me. Point in case: in the transition to a new church it’s been made apparent to me that I’m the person who now needs to focus on the giving, to be that person who encouraged me. It’s no longer about what I can gain, but what I can bring. I’m not among the wounded now.

Well, in order to bring something to the table, your personal walk needs to be in check. I let mine wither away into stagnancy. I was more alive when I was struggling with the sin in my life! Now that everything is in check, I’ve seemed to check out. It has been hard this week to pray, though I’ve been trying to live up to a motto; do the things you don’t feel like doing. We can’t run on our emotions, especially when they lead to bad habits.

I just can’t believe how closed off I’ve become. I feel like most every door in my heart is shut. I’m going to try with all I have to pry them open. Fortunately this devotional has been all about these very things that typically get in the way; negative strongholds, satan’s attacks… his lies can be so subtle and gradually deceiving that you wouldn’t know you were believing them. Amongst the biggest; God is not big enough. I mean, I believe He is, but my thoughts (let alone actions) do not portray it. It seems like in the big picture, I’ve been believing in God’s power – I fully believe in what He’s doing in my church, and the people He is working through, and I surely believe in what God has done. But when it comes to matters in my own heart, in the now, I fall short. I am like an invisible spectator.

This is why I need to continue to pray. I need that relationship, not just to acknowledge God. Even acknowledgment and respect fades with no relationship. And when it comes to God, we all know satan doesn’t just let it “fade”. The consequences leave you so deep into a hole you’ll eventually not be able to find your way out of it. I need to believe that I’m a part of his body and a part of what he’s doing in this world. When did I stop believing that I was valuable? I close off to relationships and shut people out because I believe I have nothing to offer. This tells me that I’ve lost sense of my identity in Christ. I need to allow God to pry open those closed doors; I can’t do it on my own.

This is not where I intended this entry to go, but nonetheless, I think I said all I really needed to say.