This was a private entry. Usually I tend to write vaguely. I have a tendency to hide the inner most parts of me or coat them somehow to appear stronger and above things. I hide too much. But this is going to be very raw. This is me…
I just want to run away with my love and cuddle somewhere where there is no responsibility or cares in the world. I used to have that…
Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a parent…
Maybe this is just normal…
I keep thinking back to our dating days a lot, how our friendship emerged into a relationship. How those days then transformed into an engagement, and then a marriage…the course of our relationship together. I know we’ll get that back, and we’ll have a nice little family with lots of love & memories. I know this is the next step. I know it will bring us closer & has already taught me to appreciate more. But I can’t help how I’m feeling in the moment. I feel nostalgic…I feel trapped…I feel like I can’t cope. I’m scared…I’m anxious…
…at least one moment. Then in another I’ll feel like super-mom & wife, like I can do it all.
I’m just at an uneasy place right now. It’s only been 6 days after all. They do say it gets easier. There are just so many emotions right now. It’s interesting that I predicted this in previous journaling…how Steve and I will always be parents, and how you can’t get time back. I was taking in the moments & enjoying my pregnancy as much as possible. Our last times being able to just be “Steve and Melissa”. I thought about that a lot, keeping it in the back of my mind to take it all in. To enjoy it. And yet, it wasn’t enough. Sometimes as much as you can anticipate something, you can’t ever really be completely prepared until it happens. I couldn’t grasp it fully, and now I miss it. I know that this will eventually mold into our everyday lives & we will deal. But oh… how much I just miss the thought of being able to pick up even just to go walk to the store with Steve at any given time. What precious memories we have…even all those simple things. (I love him so much).
I still can’t believe it. I still keep thinking about being in the operating room, and how I was barely coherent. Then I felt a gentle touch on my hand & slowly opened my eyes to see the face of my caring husband at my side. Not long after that, Penelope came… and it was amazing to see her. My little girl that I carried for 9 months…there she was. And there was her daddy looking on, taking pictures. He looked as if he couldn’t believe it either.
And now I ache because that moment is gone… I just can’t believe it.
I love my husband so much. I know our daughter is a blessing… we will be okay. We just have to get over this little bump. Things will get better. Right now this is our job, but there is a time for everything. Someday this will be over & we’ll be onto another stage. Just thinking back to the stages we’ve been at… it’s all so special. Our relationship. And I know this step is a building block to growing closer, even if it seems hard right now. Even if we seem trapped. Love grows. Sometimes you just have to overshadow your feelings and push through it, know what you know – there really is a time for everything, and this time will end. Like I said, you can’t get time back. I can’t get Penelope at 1 day old back. I can’t get that moment with Steve holding my hand back…I’m trying hard to realize what’s around me now & know that these too will be part of the memories I miss. These will be the good old days that mold our every growing relationship. Love really is pain, but a good kind I suppose. The “worth it” kind.
It’s hard, but in the end, I look at my husband…I look at the face of my little girl… and I know I’m blessed. Thank the Lord. God’s timing is the perfect timing. I need to embrace that.
