Such is life

I won’t lie. I’m feeling completely frustrated with my life. I really don’t even know where to begin. To attempt to explain the mess that has become me would take a while and I really just feel like I need to vent a little – not write a book. I keep my feelings to myself. I need to put them to paper.

In a nutshell I guess I just have no idea what to do or what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what the next move is. I am way out of touch with just about everything I used to be apart of or believe in. I’m feeling isolated and on my own. I’ve withdrawn, which is my biggest defense mechanism that only brings on a sort of vicious cycle. And yet it’s just what I do. It’s hard for me to let people in when I’m in shut down mode. I don’t know where the quality or purpose is in my life. I wake up. I go to school. I take care of my kid. Bicker with my husband about the house being messy. It’s all very mechanical. I would rather be the naive daydreamer I used to be. I used to have dreams. I used to think that I could do anything and that people had good intentions. I don’t seem to believe that anymore. I don’t seem to have the passion or faith I used to. Optimism has become overshadowed by cynicism & negativity. I seem to have no joy. I’m in and out of depressive moods. A few months ago I hit a low. I know it’s ridiculous, but for the first time I truly felt like the world just might be better off without me. Not to scare anybody, but literally, this is what I was going through. It’s hard to explain because everybody knows it’s a selfish contemplation. But I felt like a bad mother; a bad wife; a bad friend; a bad daughter; like I had absolutely nothing to offer. I’m running on empty, and this all makes me feel useless. I have just been mentally, spiritually, emotionally, internally, etc, in an ugly place.

I’m lost.

Every once in a while I tend to temporarily lose my mind

I have been in the weirdest state for the past week or so. Incredibly introspective. This is the side of me that I don’t believe anybody can really fully relate to or understand unless they could jump into my brain and see the mess of thoughts that cycle through. There is no point in trying to describe or make sense of it. At the end of it my only rationale is to conclude that life is strange. Everything changes yet nothing really does at the same time. Things just feel odd to say the least.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if God is really just a big jokester, throwing us all out here to fend for ourselves. When you rise above yourself for a moment sometimes you realize that humanity just seems like a big joke. What are we even doing here? I can’t help but wonder. Our mere existence is too much for me to comprehend or fathom. Here I am outside of it all – all of our struggles, petty feelings, cycles of failure and feeling sorry for ourselves, hours spent on worry, regret, nostalgia. It just all seems so useless and small.

Eventually I will find my way back on track, I am sure.